Tag Archives: Wayne Dyer

November 15, 2017 · 9:06 am

Not Guilty!

 

Kara would like to skip getting together with her family over the holidays. But guilt stands in her way.

“I hate to say it but I’d be a whole lot happier spending time with Marc’s family,” she said. Marc is Kara’s husband. “They’re just more pleasant to be around.”

In contrast, Kara’s family gatherings are unbearably stressful. Wounding, in fact. They seem to find it entertaining to make fun of each other, team up, and exchange sarcastic digs.

“And if things get heated up because someone takes offense,” she said, “tempers fly! Why would I want to be around all that?  I always feel judged and anxious . . . mentally beat up!”

So why does she feel so torn?

Kara gave a heavy sigh. “Guilt,” she said. “It’s my mother. She’ll take it as a personal assault if I don’t want to go.” Kara went on to explain that her mom will act hurt while saying something to the effect: “Oh. I see . . . you’d rather be with Marc’s family than with us.”

I understand why Kara feels judged around her family. It happens.

I asked Kara, “Will guilt win or will your preference win?”

She lowered her eyes.

“Hey” I said, “if  you must feel guilty, you might as well feel guilty for doing what you want. Right?” 

She laughed. We both did.

I’m reminded of something my husband, Don, once said.

“One thing is certain, if you fall under the control of guilt, you will end up unhappy.”

Guilt shouldn’t dictate our decisions—reason should. And so should something else . . . our well-being.

Which choice is best for Kara’s overall well-being? The answer is obvious.

Kara made it clear she likes her family. She just doesn’t like it when they’re all congregated under the same roof.

We did some brainstorming and came up with a win-win solution. She will get with each family member on an individual basis. This can happen anytime—around holidays or on any date throughout the year.

Minus the family dynamics, it will be a lot more pleasant.

Kara’s mother and other guilt-manipulators could benefit from thinking about Wayne Dyer’s definition of love:

Love is “the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.”

 

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

(c) Salee Reese 2017

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September 2, 2015 · 7:34 am

Real Strength

Rudeness - edited

I like what Sydney Harris, the late American journalist, had to say:

“People who are proud of being brutally frank rarely admit they are more gratified by the brutality than by the frankness.”

Personally, I don’t think there’s anything admirable about stomping on someone’s dignity. It’s easy to be offensive and degrading. It’s much more difficult to get a point across while remaining tactful . . . even kind.

Straightforwardness occupies two categories: assertiveness and aggressiveness. One is respectful while the other is anything but. Check out this website for more on the difference between the two.

Aggressive communicators aim to dominate and control. Their body language and words convey—loud and clear—“I expect to get my way,” and “I’m always right.”

Tom’s boss is a perfect example. According to Tom, he’s  abrasive and undermining.

“No one wants to speak up at meetings,” Tom said. “It’s the fear of being humiliated. Just last week, I was ridiculed for a less-than-stellar sales report.”

Tom refers to the company’s teamwork philosophy as a “joke. Nothing original is discussed in our meetings,” he said. “Brainstorming may be on the agenda, but our ideas and opinions are instantly argued down. Brainstorming is just another word for us nodding while he postures and spouts out his ideas.”

Not surprisingly, such an atmosphere stifles enthusiasm and commitment. So bosses like Tom’s might as well kiss productivity, creativity and innovation goodbye while they watch dedicated employees like Tom walk out the door.  “I can’t continue to be subjected to this kind of treatment,” Tom said. “When you have to literally drag yourself to work every morning—not because of the job—but because of a person at that job, then it’s time for a change.”

No question, we admire people who speak truthfully and boldly—who tell it like it is. Such people are cut out to be leaders, whether we’re talking about leadership in the office, on the football field, in the classroom or in the home.

I frequently hear parents complain about their child’s lack of respect. Respect is a noble quality, but it’s supposed to run both ways. It’s ludicrous for parents or anyone in a leadership role to expect to receive what he or she is unwilling to give.

successful leadersStudies show that the most successful leaders are those who empower rather than overpower, who inspire cooperation rather than foster alienation, who invite input and negotiation rather than dictate orders.

Here’s what one client had to say about her experience with both types: “I felt like I was working for my former boss, who acted like a dictator, but I feel like I’m working with my current boss.”

Let’s face it, force and disrespect may engender obedience and fear, but they don’t engender loyalty, trust and a desire to cooperate.

According the Wayne Dyer, leaders worthy of our admiration share a common principle: “How do we help influence those around us in ways that are going to make them better, us better, the world a greater place?”

Call it strength.

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality

(c) 2015 Salee Reese

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February 3, 2015 · 9:29 am

Ooooo … when love blooms!

dancing couple

Is your brain marinating in a cocktail of hormones and giddiness? If so, it’s probably love . . . new love!

New love is the budding stage of something potentially profound between two people. And just as a flower bud is fragile, the same is true of love. Both must be treated with tender loving care.  When a couple masters this fine art, it becomes a thing of beauty that is a pleasure to behold.

A few years back, I observed such a wonder:

My spirit smiled as I watched them glide across the dance floor. Arm in arm, they exuded a tenderness so real, it almost seemed possible to reach out and touch it.

Oh, there were plenty of other dancers to appreciate, couples with more finesse and physical appeal, but this couple had me transfixed.

Have you ever become captivated watching elderly couples dance to the music of some bygone era? Obviously I have, particularly with those whose lives appear interwoven by the threads of some shared past.

Those couples are easy to spot. Love flows between them palpably, richly different from the newly-in-love brand. It is a love that has matured to perfection.

Never mind that the external luster is gone. It’s apparent that something more enviable has replaced it—a mysterious something that shines in their eyes for each other. Such love surpasses physical attractiveness.

When I watch such couples, it makes me wonder about love. Just what is it? Is it more about allure and attraction, magnetic in its mysterious intensity? The kind that permeates popular culture in movies and TV? Or is it more like a garden you tend and cultivate? It is, of course, both.

With a gravitational grip like none other, the power of new love pulls people together. The action doesn’t stop there. It proceeds to swoop them up and swirl them around and around until they become dizzy with brainlessness. The whole event rivals anything that can be found at the amusement parks!

No question, falling in love is supremely exciting. But then, lovers eventually reach the ground; some grow restless and bored, while others till a garden. And, oh, how it blooms! That’s what I saw in that couple gliding across the dance floor. I was viewing a couple in their bloomed state.

Now then, how to tend a garden? Borrowing from the wisdom and experience of others, I came up with a few powerful tips:

  •  Mary Durso, married for 58 years, says: “If you have respect and consideration for one another, you’ll make it.”
  • Allyson Jones, author, says: “Love teaches without lecturing, resolves mistakes without  scolding, and gives without expecting things in return.”
  • Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk and author of “Teachings on Love,” asserts that love is about feeling connected to someone in their suffering, not just in their joy.  When we love someone, we’re moved by their pain and desire to remove that pain.
  • Wayne Dyer, author of “Your Erroneous Zones,” offers his definition of love: “[Love is] the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.”
  • John Gottman, Ph.D, a leading marital researcher, tells us that a strong union is one in which two people deal with problems head on.

When couples avoid discussing hot topics because it might lead to conflict, intimacy is forfeited and huge gaps form—creating distance between them. According to Gottman, couples thrive when the two “turn towards” each other when problems crop up, rather than “turning away.”

The couple on the dance floor might say: “Get out there and dance!” In other words, factor in fun. Without happy times and positive experiences, the weeds of a relationship tend to take over.

So how does a relationship mature to a ripened state? It requires “the garden.” An individual can make any ordinary garden thrive, but love requires two gardeners who busy themselves with the planting, the watering, the fertilizing and the weeding.

And we mustn’t underestimate the valuable role that age plays. Dazzled by the couple on the dance floor, I felt privileged to bear witness to such enchantment.

Is it not true that aged wine is grander?

 

© Salee Reese 2007

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February 11, 2014 · 7:41 am

Finding the Right Someone

valentines day

A relationship that’s right for us is one that sets our spirit free.

Hey … Valentine’s Day is right around the bend, so it’s a good time to take a look at love—up close—and contemplate its meaning … just what the heck is it?

Finding a solid definition of love is fuzzy. There are probably as many ideas and definitions of it as there are people … lots.

I have a couple of favorite quotes and I notice they have freedom as a common theme. Here they are:

“There is something akin to freedom in having a lover who has no control over you, except that which he gains by kindness and attachment.”

Harriet Jacobs wrote that in her book, Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl.

Here’s one by Wayne Dyer:

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.”

I included that little gem in a column I wrote, Finding the Right Someone.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, says in his book, Teachings on Love, that love is a compilation of four components: loving kindness, joy, compassion and freedom. If either one of these is absent, he notes, love cannot flourish. I devoted an entire column to that idea. You can find it here.

And … what are your views on love? I’d LOVE to know. 😉

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October 4, 2013 · 8:13 am

The Latest Wow: Let Go and Be Free

Rod cropped

“Any time we try to control something, it controls us. That’s because we’re basing our happiness and peace of mind on being able to control it, on something external that can’t be controlled.”  —Rod Pasko

My son, Rod, came up with that one a few years ago. I usually reserve ‘The Latest Wow’ for comments by my clients. But hey … Rod’s my client, just like I’m his at times. 🙂 I don’t recall the circumstances or why he said it, I just know I flew into another room for pen and paper. His words were just so insanely true!

Haven’t we all been there? We try to control how others act.  The driver in the car ahead of us has the power to enrage us.  We try to control how our partner does things. We try to control our children’s choices, and our friends’ opinions, our spouses tastes. We try to control time by attempting to squeeze too much in, or we try to stop it from marching on. Let’s face it, we have trouble seeing our children leave home, and we have trouble watching ourselves grow older.

So what does all this controlling-effort do to our peace? Havoc. Rod’s right. It robs us of our peace and happiness—call it wear and tear on the well-being. The weather plays a trick on us, and our peace is out the window. Cancelled plans carry the same weight. And we know how thrown we get when someone executes their own will versus our own.

Okay …  we can’t always steer things to suit us, so what can we do? We can choose a different way of seeing things, which is an internal adjustment completely under our  control. No matter what the irritant, as Wayne Dyer says: “You can’t always control what goes on outside, but you can always control what goes on inside.”

Instead of being held captive by my irritations, I can acknowledge the fact that my life will be good even though everything doesn’t always go my way. I can also choose to expand the lens through which I view an incident that’s getting under my skin by recognizing its relative insignificance when compared to the tapestry of my entire life … or the tapestry of all life.

A client of mine asks herself this question: Am I even going to remember this incident in six weeks? If not, then she decides it’s not worth another second of her mental or emotional energy.

When all else fails, follow the advice of my granddaughter, Emma: “Just think about pink ponies and butterflies.”

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