Fake Love
“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily—we do not need to learn it.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke “If she leaves me, I’ll die—I’ll have nothing to live for. She’s everything to me—she’s my life!” Jeremy, 27, is panicked over the possibility of losing his […]
Poke the Tiger
“I pray every night that God will take my life.” Vince, 56, apparently would rather die than leave a life-sucking relationship. He’s been with his wife, Gail, for eight years. And for the bulk of that time he’s been unhappy, merely enduring his existence instead of living. In our counseling session, he depicted Gail as […]
Over It
Holly told me she wasn’t suicidal. I disagreed. “I guess you’re right,” she said after some thought. “I’ve been killing myself off for years.” Holly was referring to staying with a man who frequently deflates her spirit—her husband, Lance. She related the events of an evening they had some friends over. When it was time […]
Love Shouldn’t be a Prison, and True Love Isn’t
Since this is the month we celebrate Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d dust off one of my favorites from several years ago that seemed to resonate with many people. Even if you’ve been following me from the beginning, this one’s worth a second look: One thing that assures a long-lasting relationship is kindness—each partner treating the […]
The Unhappy Chameleon
Doug wowed me with this in one of our sessions: “I always wanted to blend in . . . like a chameleon.” Then looking away reflectively, he added, “You know, it takes a hell of a lot of energy to change my colors.” He’s right. So why do we do it? It’s all about making sure we’re […]
“How Do I Fix Us?”
“Why am I the last to find out? I didn’t know my wife was unhappy. She never told me!” I had to tell him the truth. “Yes, she did, Todd. There were clues. You just weren’t seeing them.” Beth had grown quiet and distant in his presence. In contrast, she was lively and talkative around […]
Husband and Doormat
The problem with walking on eggshells is that it imprisons you, and nothing gets better. That was my response to Naomi in our counseling session. She habitually succumbs to her hot-tempered husband. “I’m careful about everything I say because, well, he gets ugly if I tell him what he doesn’t want to hear,” she said. […]
Ooooo … when love blooms!
Is your brain marinating in a cocktail of hormones and giddiness? If so, it’s probably love . . . new love! New love is the budding stage of something potentially profound between two people. And just as a flower bud is fragile, the same is true of love. Both must be treated with tender loving […]
The Latest Wow: The Great Divide
Not long ago, I was counseling a couple when one partner, Tracie, wowed me with this: “There will be days in which I will get mad at you and you will get mad at me but we will resolve it. I don’t want to live a life of avoidance.” Tracie is on to something. […]
Two to Tango
Passivity invites the other person to take a power position. Maya and Jarel have been dancing the same dance step—or style of relating—for years. He dominates and she obediently yields. She’s tired of it. Not long ago, she was ready to walk out the door, but right at that point he made a dramatic change . […]