Two to Tango
Passivity invites the other person to take a power position. Maya and Jarel have been dancing the same dance step—or style of relating—for years. He dominates and she obediently yields. She’s tired of it. Not long ago, she was ready to walk out the door, but right at that point he made a dramatic change . […]
You’re Bigger Than You Think
There’s a psychological term I want to introduce you to. You may already know it; the word is “schema” and it means a deeply ingrained belief or impression about ourselves and the world around us. Schemas take root at an early age as a result of what we experience in life. Certain key people […]
Meet Your Roommate
Suppose you had a roommate who constantly scrutinized and critiqued your every move starting with the moment you got out of bed: “You should have gotten up earlier. Are you ignoring today’s schedule? Your hair’s a mess . . . as usual. Don’t forget to contact Jonathan today. He expects a call, you know. […]
Avoid the Muck and Guck
I found a perfect piece of advice for those of us who try to fix someone else’s distorted thinking. It’s an old Russian proverb that says: “Don’t drive a car straight down a crooked road.” Easier said than done, especially if we’re the target of someone’s erroneous accusations. At those times, it’s extremely difficult […]
The Latest Wow: Where Life is
Not long ago, Todd, a client, wowed me with this: “I want to be the type of person who loves others above myself. I know that’s where life is.” Todd lives in a self-contained sphere that doesn’t include other people. He’s not a hermit—living an isolated existence. Far from it. He’s a husband, father, […]
Dominated by Guilt
Guilt, just like anger, is often used as a tool to manipulate. Last week I offered one reason why we refrain from speaking up or confronting another person. It’s the fear of igniting a thunderstorm. Another reason is guilt. One of my teenage clients, Allie, put it perfectly: “I don’t know how to stand up […]
Recreate You … To Your Liking
This is the time of the year when we pause amidst our habituated routines and consider making life changes. When it comes to my clients, I typically ask two questions: “How do you want your life to look?” and “How are you hindering that … getting in your own way?” It’s impossible to act on […]
The Unboxable Gift
How would you define a gift? A few years back when I posed that question to various people, I learned that a bumper sticker held the truth: “The best things in life aren’t things.” Hmmm . . . truth shows up in the least expected places at times. (Fodder for a new post, wouldn’t you […]
Latest Wow: Face the Truth About Yourself
“The bad thing about not liking myself is not being able to get away from myself. I can’t just go into the next room.” Anna was being her usual witty self when she made that comment in my office but, sadly, she meant it. Also sad is the fact that a multitude of people feel […]
Trained By a Dog
Let’s face it, if we’re vague about what we want, we won’t get it. Like Karen, a former client, we’ll only cultivate inner frustration. “Never—ever!—did I anticipate the day I’d be jealous of a dog,” she said, “but I am . . . If the dog wants to play, Sam drops everything and plays with […]