Salee Reese

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The Truth about Tears

inside out

“Only strong people allow themselves to feel pain.”

–Heather, 16

If you haven’t watched the movie Inside Out, drop everything and head for a theater immediately! The story takes place inside the head of 11-year-old Riley, where five key characters reside—all representing her main emotions: Joy, Fear, Disgust, Anger, and Sadness.

The story carries a powerful message about the important role each emotion plays in our life, including those less desirable emotions such as sadness.

In the movie, Sadness starts out as a bother but ends up the hero. That’s because she knows how to handle Riley’s problems. Unlike the other emotions, she knows where to take things so they can change for the better.

She’s also the only character who demonstrates  empathy. When Riley’s imaginary friend—Bing Bong—from early childhood, becomes sad and discouraged, Joy is powerless, but that isn’t true of Sadness. She listens in the only way that counts—at the heart level. Bing Bong got better.

And when Riley’s parents got in touch with their sadness over Riley’s sadness, they were capable of listening. The result? Things got better. Prior to that, Riley believed that the only allowable emotion was joy. And in the movie we learn that joy has its limitations.

It was apparent that Riley was sheltered from negative emotions from the start. Therefore, she was poorly equipped to deal with the stresses and heartbreak of moving to another state at the age of eleven.

As I lost myself in this movie, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Heather, whom I quoted above, a teenager I counseled who was grappling with overwhelming sadness. Her parents were oblivious to that fact until they found her suicide note. Read her story here.

Both Riley and Heather needed the freedom to feel, and the freedom to express it. They needed to be understood, and that was best accomplished when their parents felt with them.

When I asked Heather: “When you’re hurting, what do you need most from your mom? Do you need for her to be strong?” Without any hesitation, she replied:

“No! I need to see her feelings. Showing feelings isn’t being weak—it’s being close.”

That says it all.  Thanks, Heather.

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality

(c) 2015 Salee Reese

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10 Responses

  1. I had so many ideas about what a mother should be when I was young and now I have just one major mantra about motherhood and grandmotherhood, Be Present! Sometimes hard but imperative.
    How I wish I had been! I know better now so I am working to do better.
    Love the post and the movie!

  2. This movie got me good. I related so much to that girl. We moved when I was 14 and I never really made many good friends. I’ve dealt with lots of sadness and have coped on my own. As an adult it gets harder and it’s even harder to push through it. You need to give yourself time to be sad and know it gets better.

  3. I haven’t watched the movie yet (it’s on my list), but I connect so very much with this post. Just feeling….listening to yourself and to those that you love. That really makes all the difference. I don’t think I would have ever healed, had I now honored my sadness. So thank you, Salee, for your insight and constant reminders to me to continue to carry on in life!!!

  4. As is true of Riley, when faced with sadness, my first impulse is to run away. But facing, and really looking deeply into sadness—as Riley and Bing Bong did—has resulted in growth that never happens in joy, anger or avoidance.

  5. I can relate to Heather. When others sit with us, let us cry and express our emotions, rather than offering advice or telling us to suck it up, there is a profound feeling of comfort and connection. And this is just what you do Salee; offer me comfort during my times of sadness!

    ….When we push down feelings they don’t go away; the feelings grow inside and eventually can come out as depression, heart problems, obsessive thinking etc. Embracing feelings rather than running offers true freedom.