Tag Archives: wow

Make YOU Happy

Jill and Trent have been in a relationship for a long time. They love each other very deeply and treasure their time spent together. The problem? Trent can’t leave his former girlfriend, Laura. He doesn’t love her, but he can’t bring himself to cause her pain.

Trent is one of those people who easily—too easily—feels guilty and responsible for the happiness of others. If someone close to him seems displeased or unhappy, he believes he caused it and should do something to fix it.

In our counseling session, I pointed out that he’s actually hurting Laura more by being unfaithful and deceptive. “And furthermore,” I explained, “we don’t do people any favors by catering to their illusions. It keeps them from growing and grappling with truth.”

The pain of lost relationships and fading hopes is built into the very fabric of daily living. We can’t escape it.

When he’s in Laura’s presence, he’s there physically, but that’s all. The rest of him is absent. In all likelihood, she senses that, which causes her a certain degree of suffering and unhappiness.

I just flatly told him:

“You can’t make her happy if you’re not happy being with her.”

Because he’s a divided man, his energy is diluted in each relationship. He pays a price as well. Sacrifice and self-denial is not a route to happiness. For his sake and the sake of everyone involved, he needs to follow the path of his truth.

“If you honor yourself—honoring what’s right for you—you’ll automatically be honoring everyone else,” I said.

“How can that be?” he asked. “I’ll be hurting Laura.”

I explained that honoring Laura means respecting her dignity and honoring her soul—the higher aspect of her. “You need to stop treating her like an emotional cripple—someone incapable of growing from pain and incapable of helping herself,” I said. “Stop making yourself her god.”

In the final analysis, Trent’s not responsible for Laura’s happiness, she is.

By the end of our session, I was encouraged by Trent’s response to my following question: “Why is suffering a good thing? What is good about it?”

He came off with this WOW:

“Suffering helps a person dig deep into their soul.  As a result they become wiser and stronger.”

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

3 Comments

Filed under Client of the Week, Couples, Get Free, The Latest Wow!

The Latest Wow: The Power of Love

Remember Beth? I mentioned her in an earlier post.  She and Sam got a divorce several months ago but then decided to give it another go. In that post I asked her, “What made you change your mind?” She said, “I’ve discovered that anger fades a lot faster than love.”

They’re living together now to discover whether the love that joined them initially is stronger than the issues that separated them.

In our last session, Beth talked about a recent ah-ha moment:

“It used to irritate me when Sam would leave lights on. Now, it makes me smile. I just see it as a quirk. Besides, I can find him anywhere in the house. All I have to do is follow the lights.”

Hmmm. Same issue, just a different way of seeing it. Nothing is changed, but everything is changed. Now that love is a dominant force in their relationship, the colors in their world are brighter.

Happy for them!

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

Leave a comment

Filed under Couples, General Interest, The Latest Wow!

The Latest Wow: Stay Out of the Mud!

Sometimes, we have to make the same mistake a bazillion times before we wake up.  It’s downright humiliating! One of  my clients knows this experience all too well. His mistake was assuming responsibility for the happiness of others. Since this just can’t work, he was continually banging his head against the wall.

In time he woke up!  I knew it when he wowed me with something he had learned while growing up on the farm:

“You can’t get a pig out of the mud if it doesn’t want out. More often than not, you end up in the mud yourself–you get muddy. Pigs like to soak in the mud. Why try to get that other person out of the mud when they want to be there?”

Any thoughts?

5 Comments

Filed under Get Free, The Latest Wow!

Introducing ‘The Latest Wow!’

I’m setting up a new category of posts called, “The Latest Wow.”   Sometimes when I’m meeting with a client, I’m utterly moved by something they say.  That’s when I interrupt them with, “Don’t say another word, I’ve gotta write that down!”   So, without further ado, here’s the first ‘Wow”:

After getting divorced, Beth and her ex decided to give their relationship another try. I asked her, “What made you change your mind?” She said, “I’ve discovered that anger fades a lot faster than love.”

 

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

4 Comments

Filed under Couples, The Latest Wow!