Tag Archives: healthy boundaries

Go Find Another Well

Time and time again, Christi tried to quench her thirst from a dry well.

The analogy describes what it’s been like living with her boyfriend, Tony, for the past six years. The anguish she’s felt is comparable to someone slowly dying from thirst. Although he called her his girlfriend, his participation in the relationship was halfhearted at best.

Christi held out—hoping that some day—if she just hung in there long enough, her dreams of a future with this guy would come true. Well, that all came crashing down around her when she discovered he was dating another woman.

No question, dashed hopes and rejection are a lot to endure. Loving support from others is a welcomed comfort, but it falls short of soothing a wounded heart. Recovery takes time, long moments of silent reflection and acquiring a new perspective.

In our counseling session, I could easily see the grief and betrayal in Christi’s eyes.

“I served that man for six years!” she said. “My life revolved around him!” She went on to explain all that she gave up—what she sacrificed personally—for him.

“Christi,” I said, “I’m having a hard time thinking this guy deserves you.”

She lowered her eyes. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him,” she said with a sigh. “I guess I couldn’t love enough ….”

“Did Tony betray you or were you betrayed by a fantasy?” I asked.

She looked puzzled.

“Did you read more into this relationship than was actually there?” I continued. “Did you imagine Tony to be something he wasn’t?”

“Ye-e-s … apparently so,” she muttered.

We spent the next several minutes contrasting her fantasy against reality. He didn’t invite her to go places with him. He showed little or not interest in the things she liked doing. He wouldn’t call or text her after business trips. Rarely ever, actually. He didn’t make her birthday a special event or even get her a gift! 

Where was the tenderness? Where was the concern for her needs and wants? Where was the concern for her feelings? It flat out wasn’t there.

For six years, she made excuses for him in her mind, all in an attempt to avoid the bold truth. She ignored all clues that told her they were ill-suited. And the clues where everywhere.

For years–before meeting Tony–Christi had yearned for a companion who was as devoted to her as she was to him. She imagined that Tony would be that guy.  “I kept thinking if I just got it right, he would come around—he would love me better,” she said.

How sad for Christi. She had used Tony’s lukewarm interest in her as a measure of her own worth and adequacy. Instead of asking herself: Do I measure up to what he wants? a better question would have been: Can he fulfill what I need in a partner?

Enduring the status quo wasn’t wise. She should have moved on, freeing herself to seek a more compatible partner.

I let her know that what her heart yearns for is right. What was off-kilter was expecting it to come from him.

I explained that she’s seeking love in places where love is in short supply. It’s like going to the same well everyday hoping to fill her cup with water. The well is  dry, so quenching her thirst is an impossibility. She returns each day, though, anticipating more than a mere trickle. It never happens.

“One of the things you need to see,” I said, “is that there are other wells spanning across the landscape in every direction, as far as the eye can see. But you tend to be blind to them.”

“I can’t argue that miserable truth,” she said solemnly.

As our session wore on, Christi started putting things together. “I can see that I don’t value myself very much,” she said. “And I’m like my mom—her life revolves around my father. It saddens me how she’s given up so much of herself just to make him happy. Well … it seems I’m no different. Hmm.”

Christi’s learned pattern is being challenged because the well did something extraordinary: It uprooted itself and left her behind, thirsty and confused in the dust. Painful as that might be, ultimately, the “well” did her a favor. She’s now forced to explore the offerings of other wells.

But before jumping into another serious relationship, Christi needs to figure out why she blames herself when love isn’t reciprocated, and why she denies herself other potential opportunities. Why does she undervalue herself?

Once she deals with the problem at its roots, the next time a well runs dry, I’m convinced she won’t stick around. Feeling deserving of more, she’ll seek water elsewhere. There will be no stopping her! It’ll be impressive.

 

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

 

(c) Salee Reese 2020

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Did You Spit on Somebody’s Pet Turtle?

If a third grader got in your face, accusing you of spitting on his pet turtle, you would be thinking: Well now, that’s pure ridiculousness. I’ve never been near his pet turtle and, for that matter, I didn’t even know he had one.

Being perceived wrongly is an opportunity to practice believing in yourself.

So … instead of taking it personally and jumping in to defend yourself, you remain composed—you might even be amused. No matter what, it would be difficult to take offense. Why? Simply because you don’t have a shred of doubt that the accusation is groundless—it’s sheer distortion on their part.

No matter their age or the role someone plays in your life, when they wrongly accuse you of something, it’s important to see it as sheer ridiculousness … and chill.

People who accuse and distort are everywhere. (We even do it ourselves at times—it’s a human trait.) Some folks do it innocently—that is, they simply have their facts wrong. But then there’s that handful of people who use it as a means to attack or gain power.

Let’s face it, reacting to nonsensical accusations is giving away your power. It goes nowhere and leaves you in a state of horrendous frustration, all in an impossible effort to straighten out that person’s thinking. It becomes way more stressful than it’s worth. You might as well try to turn cartwheels on the ceiling.

There’s absolutely no power—or dignity—when we operate from that space.

For your peace and well being, you need to get good at the art of remaining unflappable. How to do that? Treat any distortion as if you were just accused of something as outlandish as spitting on somebody’s pet turtle. Be amused. Say, “Nope. I didn’t do that … I wouldn’t do that.” Then just walk away. 🙂

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Wanted: A Gentle Caveman

Image result for 11 signs you're falling in love

 

          Knowing how to love a woman isn’t rocket science. Or is it?

Over the years, as a counselor, numerous men have sought my advice about women. They want to know how to navigate the baffling pathway to a woman’s heart.

Whether dating or in a long-term relationship, it’s not uncommon for a guy to receive mixed signals. One man described the predicament perfectly: “I’m convinced women want a gentle caveman. They resent power, yet they want a powerful man. They want to tell you how to drive, but they really want you to drive.”

His observations were reinforced when a female client told me,

“I want a man who takes control, but isn’t a controller.”

Indeed, a fine line to walk.

What does it mean to be a gentle caveman? How is it possible to be a man who takes control without being controlling? For answers, I went to the logical source—women.

Jodie, 36, said this about her boyfriend: “I need him to be strong enough to stick up for what he feels strongly about, yet sensitive to my needs and feelings.”

She gave an example. “I’d had a bad day and just needed to talk it out, but he kept watching his game on TV. I was crying, and instead of consoling me, he went to another room so that he could watch his game on another TV. That told me that something else was more important than me.”

I asked: “So if he were to be sensitive to your needs and yet stick up for his own, how would that look?”

“In that situation,” she said, ” I just needed for him to shut the TV off. I wanted to be chosen over everything else at that point.”

Jodie clarified that under ordinary circumstances, “It’s okay if someone doesn’t drop everything for you.”

So I asked, “What would an empowered, gentle caveman do if his partner wasn’t in a distressed state?

Jodie replied: “He would say, ‘Can we talk about this in ten minutes or after the game?’”

She pointed out that his manner would be tender and patient, minus any hint of annoyance.

“All I would need is the assurance of a time-frame,” she said. “It’s a matter of knowing that your man wants to devote time to be there for you.”

Courage and independence are other qualities attributed to a gentle caveman. Women respect a man who will draw the line.

Tara, 27 and single, said: “If a guy lets me walk all over him, I will. Instead, I need someone who’ll stand up to me and not be a doormat. Yes, I’ll probably get ugly if he actually calls me out on it. But I’ll get over it, and I’ll be even more attracted to him than before.”

The message is clear: Integrity is sexy.

As women, we admire men we can’t completely tame or train. Not to say we don’t try. We do, but the men we respect are those who respect themselves while simultaneously respecting us.

In the movie, “What Women Want,” Mel Gibson’s character starts out as your stereotypical rude, narcissistic, insensitive sexist. He’s convinced that he’s  admired and desired by every woman he meets. But when he acquires the ability to hear the private thoughts of all women, his ego takes a nose dive. He’s faced with the ugliness of his own behavior as seen through the eyes and minds of the disgusted women around him.

Aside from getting stung by the unvarnished truth about himself, he can’t help but learn about a woman’s genuine needs, her hopes and her true emotions. From that point on, he’s incapable of viewing women the same. The result? Respect and empathy.

According to the women I surveyed, powerful men have the courage to face feelings. This includes their own as well as the feelings of others. Gentle cavemen feel comfortable with their own tears. Tears don’t make them little, dependent or vulnerable, despite what some were told as children.

When a woman says she wants her man to take control, it means she wants him to take control over certain situations—not her. For example, women generally like it when men take the initiative and say, “Let’s go for a walk.” Or, “Don’t make any plans, because I’m taking you out.” Or, “I’ll drive, sweetie.”

And if the back-seat driver in her tries to tell him how to drive his car, the gentle caveman—in control of both his car and his reactions—simply says confidently and respectfully, “Thanks, but I’ve got things under control.”

Odds are she’ll like that.

 

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

(c) Salee Reese 2020

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Outsmart Your Guilt

 

 

Things go wrong when guilt’s the driving force behind our actions. That’s because guilt doesn’t do a good job of steering us in the right direction. It lacks intelligence.

Dru, 17, is a prime example. She didn’t want to hurt her boyfriend’s feelings, and as a result became pregnant. In our counseling session with tears streaming down her face, she expressed what was going on in her head the night she conceived:

“I didn’t want to do it! I didn’t feel right about it, but I would’ve been consumed with guilt if I let him down!”

The desire to give to others, the concern over disappointing or hurting someone, stems from a kind heart. That’s a good thing. It’s not such a good thing, though, when we hurt or disrespect ourselves in the process.

No question, Dru would be paying a hefty price for being dominated by guilt. Her future suddenly looked quite different, because the demanding responsibilities of motherhood would place her dreams, interests and much of her freedoms on hold.

Dru’s pathway for getting healthy entailed learning that self-neglect is wrong. She cared too much for her boyfriend and too little for herself. Her fear of letting him down resulted in letting herself down.

I remember her telling me that he would have acted hurt if she had said no to him on that fateful night. In the months ahead, Dru came to understand that hurting someone’s feelings isn’t always a bad thing. We all need to be told ‘no’ on occasion and to learn our limits with other people. How else do we become sensitive and respectful of others? We rob people of growing in these ways when we give in to pouts, angry outbursts, or other manipulative ploys.

Dru finally ended the relationship with her boyfriend.

I asked her: “In looking back, what did that experience teach you, Dru?”

“That I can’t let anybody have control over me again,” she said. “I can’t let someone suck my spirit from me. It drains me.”

“Exactly what drains you?” I asked.

“Worrying about people, needing to make them feel better,” she said. “I have this problem of wanting to make everyone happy even if it costs me my own happiness. It’s all so draining! But I’m getting stronger.”

I agreed—Dru was getting stronger. She found a new relationship and to her delight, she isn’t obsessed or burdened with worry about what he’s feeling, thinking, or needing. She describes the relationship as “freeing.”

“How will you know if this relationship turns unhealthy?” I asked.

She thought for a moment and shared her newfound insight—that pleasing someone else at the expense of her own well-being would be wrong. “If that happens, I’ll feel trapped and guilty for not taking care of him.”

She learned that guilt shouldn’t be in charge–she and her intellect should be running things.

It made me smile to see that Dru was “getting it.” Smart girl. 🙂

 

 

(c) Salee Reese 2019

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

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Don’t Be Nice All the Time

 

Over and over again, while growing up, Kari heard: “It’s better to give and be nice than it is to receive.”  Valuing the other person more than yourself was expected. So, today, she tends to be nice to everyone but herself. No surprise. When people mistreat or take advantage of her, she gives them a free pass. But Kari’s been waking up to that unhealthy pattern—seeing how it’s not serving her very well. Her current relationship is a perfect example, and right now, she would like to end the relationship but guilt stands in her way.

Guilt over caring for herself blocks her from doing the right thing.

Doug, another client, received the same training. “The way I feel good about myself is by being a good guy … doing for others.”  He gave me an example.  When an acquaintance of his, John, needed a phone, Doug agreed to sell him his $250 phone for $80. He even agreed that John could pay him later. Doug didn’t hear from the man for several weeks. Finally, when they bumped into each other somewhere, John paid Doug … but he paid him $50 instead of $80. When I asked Doug how he felt about that, he said: “I wanted to do the right thing.”

“Is it right to let others take advantage of you?” I asked. “How do others learn the same morals you were taught if you rob them of that opportunity?”

We talked at length, then Doug arrived at a realization:

“I should have stood up for myself,” he said. “Sometimes it’s right to upset people.”

Several years ago, I created a little story for the sake of illustration:

Imagine a classroom of small children—crayons in hand—each thoroughly absorbed in his/her own drawings. Jenny is sitting beside Joey, and at some point, he reaches over with his crayon and marks on her paper. Jenny objects, “No Joey!” while pushing his hand away. He stops, briefly, then repeats the offense. Again Jenny protests but this time she briskly moves to another spot in the room, taking her sheet of paper with her.

This scenario would have played out quite differently had Jenny been indoctrinated with the directive to always “be nice.” In that case, she would have wilted when Joey marked on her paper, letting him have free rein. Believing that objecting is hurtful, she would be ruled by restraint. Striving to be nice is a worthy ethic to teach children, but it should be a two-way ethic.

Niceness should run both ways.

Yes, Jenny should be nice to others, but she should also hold the belief that virtue applies to everyone else as well. Joey wasn’t being nice and that shouldn’t be overlooked.

Jenny’s actions preserved her well-being and dignity, but she also did Joey a favor. She gave him the opportunity to learn an important lesson: If I mistreat people, I’ll alienate them. They won’t want to be around me.

Had Jenny folded, submitting to Joey’s will and disrespect, she would have sent the opposite message.

We humans don’t grow when others are placating or pretending to go along with us. The best mirror we have available is the authentic response given by other people. No, it’s not always easy to look at ourselves through the eyes of others. It can be painful, but some deeper—truer—part of ourselves finds it gratifying to be shown the truth.

Protesting isn’t hurtful if done correctly. Being enlightened by truth is quite different from being punctured by it. When Jenny voiced her protest, she wasn’t being hurtful.

If Joey was hurt, he was hurt by the truth—not by Jenny.

When someone crosses a line, our instinct tells us to be self-protective. It’s the same instinct that protects us from eating spoiled food, stepping out in front of traffic, getting close to a raging dog. Psychological well-being is no different. Inner distress is a signal announcing the need for change.

Instead of just enduring, we’re supposed to listen to it and take action. Doing so is an act of love, both for ourselves and for the other person.

 

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

(c) Salee Reese 2019

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Say Good-bye to Bullies

Don’t put up with bullying just because it’s been your habit since day one and is therefore insanely comfortable.

That was my advice to Nicole who endures verbal abuse from her boss on a regular basis. She’s always belittling her in front of the other employees. For example, she’ll blast her for missing deadlines and she’ll erupt in rage when Nicole expresses an opinion of her own. Let’s face it, she’s supposed to be her boss’s puppet and nothing more.

Nicole just sits and takes it. Why? Because it’s familiar territory—echoing how she was raised. Her father was a bully, and she learned that her role was to submit. Succumbing to bullies is her norm—it’s all she knows. It’s how she was programmed.

Residing beneath Nicole’s facade of niceness lies her anger.

“I would just love to call in sick tomorrow,” she said, “and stick her with all the work!”  Nicole dropped her head, saying, “But it wouldn’t be morally right if I did that.”

“Is it morally right to put yourself through this?” I asked.

“What’s the fine line between abuse and job responsibilities?” she asked.

“You answer that,” I said. “You’re wiser than your boss, you know.”

“There’s never a good excuse for abuse,” she said. “Ever.”

“Does that mean that anybody in a leadership position who doesn’t treat you respectfully doesn’t deserve your dedication?” I asked.

She nodded.

“What do I do about this?” she asked.

“What do you want to do?”

Without the slightest hesitation, she said with a perky little smile: “Find another job.”

 

 

(c) Salee Reese 2018

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

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Unexpected Gift

 

“I don’t take responsibility for what’s going on in your head.”

That’s what Gordon wishes he had said when his girlfriend completely misinterpreted him . . . again.

It all started when she called to tell him how bored and miserable she was at work. According to the work schedule, she had the day off, but they needed the money. Bills were starting to pile up because Gordon had been sick for several days and was forced to take time off from work, so he’d been borrowing money from her to handle his half of the bills.

After getting free of the bug, he returned to work and started earning an income once again. But it would take a while before they were completely out of the woods.

Gordon was feeling nothing but respect and gratitude for his girlfriend’s generosity and work ethic.

After the call, he quickly rearranged his schedule so he could surprise her at work and help alleviate her boredom. As he drove to her restaurant, he felt immense tenderness toward her and was looking forward to brightening her day.

He walked in. She looked up and saw him smiling. Her face got very serious. “You need money, don’t you!” she said gruffly.

He froze . . . stunned.  She had completely misread his intentions. Though deeply hurt, he managed to stammer out a few words in defense of himself: “No . . . why would you think that? Nothing like that. You told me how slow things were and that you were bored, so I came!”

As usual, nothing he said made any difference. She didn’t budge from the distorted picture she had of him.

The whole event had a sobering effect on Gordon.  “I just couldn’t believe it,” he said. “She automatically assumed that just because I was visiting her at work—where she makes tips—that I came with my hand out, wanting some of her hard-earned cash.” He thought she might jump into his arms, or smile gratefully, or even just grin a little. The more he thought about it, the more it hurt.

“What kind of guy does she think I am?” he said. “I don’t even come close to the type of person she imagines me to be. Only a cold-hearted jerk would respond to someone’s call for help by showing up with the intent of asking for money. She doesn’t know me at all!  And the person she thinks I am isn’t even someone I’d want to be associated with.”

Once Gordon’s eyes were opened, he realized that this scenario had defined their relationship for the entire three years they were together.  He also saw just how much unhappiness he had swallowed during that time.

This latest event was a reality check. He came to realize that he could no longer stay in a relationship that was so costly to his well-being.

“Without knowing it, she gave me an incredible gift.”

 

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality

(c) Salee Reese 2018

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