Tag Archives: emotional intelligence

Call It a Relationship Virus

Bacteria 1 under microscope

I’ve written about Beth and Sam before (on 2/7/13 and 3/21/13). After divorcing Sam, Beth decided she didn’t really want to leave him after all. Within a few months they were back together. When I asked her what changed her mind, she said, “I’ve discovered that anger fades a lot faster than love.”

Today, they’re still doing well. “It’s because we talk things through,” Sam said. They don’t let things fester or go unsaid. They use a technique I taught them called “Checking-In.” In a calm conversational tone—the kind that doesn’t invite defensiveness—one partner asks: “What are you thinking right now?”

“We use it when we want to know if everything’s okay,” Amy said. She readily admits that she needs this more than Sam. “I’m guilty of making assumptions,” she said, “and then I react poorly.”

A book that keeps her on track—one she swears by—is called The Four Agreements by Don Ruiz. In a delightful, simple and oftentimes humorous way, he illuminates how we sabotage our relationships and inner peace. Making assumptions is one of the pot holes.

As I pointed out in my post, “It All Took Place in a Sunny Cafe,”  studies show that 90% of the assumptions we make are untrue.

In terms of well running relationships, instead of making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, we need to stay open-minded and seek clarification—get the other person’s story.

Names are changed to honor client confidentiality.

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Filed under Client of the Week, Couples, General Interest

The Latest Wow: Military Officer Endorses Tears

Tear

I want to share with you a touching email I received from a Naval Officer stationed in Viriginia Beach.  He wrote to me after reading Tears Are As Natural As Breathing”—the column I refer to in the previous post, “Dare to Cry.” Here it is:

“Salee, I just wanted you to know that shortly after reading your column, I stood in front of a class of junior officers and instructed them to pay close attention because I had something very important to tell them. I then proceeded to tell them that it’s okay to cry. You could hear a pin drop.”

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Filed under General Interest, The Latest Wow!

Dare to Cry

“Tears are a sign of a soul feeling awake.”

— Michael Meade

I love that quote because it slams the notion that something is wrong with shedding tears. In truth, something is probably wrong if we don’t.

Like so many of us, I learned at an early age that tears aren’t acceptable, and that they stand for weakness. Better to put up a good front.

I finally grew up . . . from that sort of thinking. What I came to realize is spelled out in my column, Tears are as Natural as Breathing. There I write about two clients, “Jill” and “Ken,” who were conditioned as I was to fight their tears. Here’s an excerpt:

And far from indicating weakness, tears can be a sign of maturity and strength.  Think about it:  It takes toughness and courage to feel deeply, to hurt deeply, to grieve deeply. Only the courageous among us dare to do that. Tears are for the very gutsy, not the fainthearted.

Tell me your thoughts . . . .

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Filed under General Interest, Get Free